We just found the titles for our next 27 albums.

A wonderful thing happened when I emailed the band asking “Can we rename our album ‘Institutional Jello’?” just a few days before launch of our 2019 release “The Endless Light of K Yamaguchi“. Our drummer Justin “Faceman” Cathcart had a koniption and exploded into a genius list of alternative album names. This golden list is in Justin Cathcart’s 8:14 PM rant reply below. Two other suggestions buried in the thread from other members are “Basic StinkStink” and “LEGLESS ARMLESS QUADRUPLE AMPUTEE EUNUCH” which are worth noting. Justin was actually also involved in creating “Basic StinkStink”.

Justin is just a hot mess as a person. He can’t even go buy milk without coming back injured or broke because he saw a farm tool sale (he lives in an appartment). However, being a naked nerve in the world often means he goes right for the centre no matter how hot the fire. In between the swearing and the bad grammar you’ll get these speeches which actually could heal the world if they were broadcast. Like Hendrix, Van Gogh, Janice Joplin and Sylvia Plath he burns himself bit by bit to give us a higher vision for our lives. We lose many great artists because they are this way so please, if you know someone like Justin, remember that they are a messenger of the divine. Care for them in the ways you can for they are not with us for long.

Please note we reserve all these titles for our next 27 albums but we’ll probably not get to them all so if you’d like to appropriate one for your album please let us know and we’ll have a meeting.

So the email thread started like this..

jason cavenerFeb 18, 2019, 5:06 PM

What do you guys think about re-naming the album “Institutional Jello”

Raja KhannaFeb 18, 2019, 6:49 PM
I like it. I like how it says “We love you, but in a structured way, but not too structured, because it is Jello after all”. I also love the allusions to Jello
Richard LachmanFeb 18, 2019, 7:12 PM

I appreciate that, like the horses’ hooves and cartilaginous tissue boiled down to make gelatin, the album is itself a distillation of the deviated septum and gristly coagulum of our musical corpus. Does industrial jello come in those little transparent cups?  Because I don’t think that’s really appropriate, releasing an album in little transparent cups. I think the new MacBook doesn’t even come with a little transparent-cup player anymore, it’s all USB-C.  But mostly, what if K. Yamaguchi is vegan and gets really mad at us for associating her with animal by-products? We don’t really want to face an angry vegan olympic champion figure skater. I make it a point never to eat any vegan with a face.

Justin Cathcart Feb 18, 2019, 8:14 PM

JESUS CRIST!!! ARE YOU KIDDING MEE!?!? I’m SERIOUSLY thinking about quitting the band. Again. You’re being ridiculous JC. And you’re ALLL being ridiculous for humouring him with all these name stupid changes!!
THE ALBUM IS DONE!! IT’S DOOONE!!! No, we can’t change the name. NO, NO we can’t fix how SHITTY the album sounds. NO, NO, AND TRIPLE NO, YOU CAN’T HAVE ANY MORE TOMS, GRIMLOCK!!! IT’S OOOVVVEERRR!!! DONE!!
And I’m putting it out there… If we change the name I QUIT!! I just can’t take it anymore. Institutional jello?!!? INSTITUTIONAL JEllo?!? Are yahoo serious?!?! Sounds dumb. And you’re dumb for suggestion such a dumb name.
And no one even responded to my album name list. That really hurts. I put a lot of time into my list. I think that ALL THE NAMES on my list DESTROY stupid Institutional Jello:
FACEMAN’S DIRTY PENNY 2019 ALBUM NAME LIST

1. Same Dress, New Shoes, Different Socks, Similar Hair
2. Sisters of Qwerty
3. Cup of Pee
4. Do Your Best, Forgot The Rest
5. The Wall 2
6. StarPeople
7. This Ship Has Sailed. Just Kidding. No it hasn’t.
8. Santa Cruz’s Own
9. Cloudy With a Chance of Blue Balls
10. My Body, My Prison
11. The Sam Mendes Experiment Problem
12. Comadore Sex T4
13. Flamez of Desyre IV
14. Trapezoid Earth Theory
15. 16
16. Going To Burning Man Was a Gigantic Waste of Time and Money
17. CRNAPPL DRNK
18. Dirty Penny’s Led Zepplin II
19. The Album Album Album
20. Dearly DeSharted
21. Blackjack
22. Devil’s Got a Hold On Me. Just Kidding. No He Hasn’t.
23. Spare Any Climate Change?
24. Two Sticks. Three Picks. One voice. Electricity.
25. Granted a Presidential Hardon

I mean I’m fine with the Yamagucci title just because the hackers that got the album back are like some inter web angels. But no, NO, NOOO, and NOOOO to institutional jello.!! If we choose that I QUIT!!!!
And sorry Yoko. I’ll have the money you lent me  paid back by Friday at the latest. I’ll have to get my Dad to transfer money and he’s Spokane for another couple of days. I got fired again last week (the boss was a total dixk).

Raja KhannaFeb 18, 2019, 8:25 PM

Um, can I actually vote for all of Justin’s names?  Or at the very least can that be the track list for our next album?  Please? 

Brendan WalkerFeb 18, 2019, 9:52 PM

At least half of Justin’s names are genius.

Nidhan Grewal Feb 19, 2019, 5:26 AM

I’ll take Institutional Jello over any of the hot garbage just suggested by JC2, Dearly DeSharted??  The only thing worse than your weak ass drumming is your weak ass ideas.  
Okay, sorry Justin, that was a bit harsh, I take it back, you’re as natural and kick ass a drummer as Nicko McBrain, if, ya know, he was a legless armless quadruple amputee eunuch.  Would that make him a quintuple amputee?  But that’s just accounting for the frank, if you then account for the beans does that make you on par with a hypothetically septuple amputee McBrain?  Where was I going with this?
Oh yah, Justin, stick to drumming, and I need more galloping toms.

Justin Cathcart Feb 19, 2019, 8:20 AM

I will “stick” to drumming. Ha ha ha. Get it? Because of like drum sticks? Sorry couldn’t resist. Even if I was a OCTUPLE amputee I’d still be able DETROY Neil Peart. You know that! Well, maybe not Neil Peart 1976-78. But Neil Peart today? Not a problem. That’s a shame that you don’t like Dearly DeSharted because it was inspired by your bass playing and your LOVE for burrito supremes. Remember that show last summer? My nose sure doesn’t.
And I wouldn’t ask this unless it was a TOTALLY necessary but can I borrow your car on Thursday? It would just be for like 3 hours. I know we’re fighting again (and you’re kind of the one instigating things here) but I have an interview for this kick ass new job but it’s in Milton. You can just leave the keys in the mailbox and you won’t even have to see me. Don’t be a dick!
And Yoko it looks like my Dad said no to lending me the money to pay you back. I’ll have to find another way. You’ll for sure have it by 2 Mondays from now. I’ll get my severance cheque then.

jason cavener Feb 19, 2019, 7:23 PM

Shit, bra. If we had this list 12 years ago all our album titles woulda been different. No shit. You tapped the Source, old horse.

jason cavenerFeb 19, 2019, 7:27 PM

I think Jimmy’s got one, too. LEGLESS ARMLESS QUADRUPLE AMPUTEE EUNUCH should be added to the album title renaming options.

Raja Khanna Feb 19, 2019, 7:30 PM

I’m sad Justin didn’t include our drunken titling masterpiece: “Basic StinkStink”

New Album “The Endless Light of K Yamaguchi” Released

Our 4th Album “The Endless Light of K Yamaguchi” is now availble for purchase/streaming on all the big corporate streams but who cares because it’s available on

~~~~ BANDCAMP ~~~~

https://dirtypenny.bandcamp.com/album/the-endless-light-of-k-yamaguchi

And here’s the regular list of big powerful music streamers run by the giants of our time that have to pay artists next to nothing because their profits are going towards building mass extinction resistant arks in space and the antarctic for us all, right?

~~~~ Spotify ~~~~

~~~~ iTunes ~~~~

https://itunes.apple.com/…/the-endless-light-of-…/1458950860

~~~~ Google Play ~~~~

STREAM https://play.google.com/music/listen…

BUY https://play.google.com/…/Dirty_Penny_The_Endless_Light_of_…

~~~~ Amazon Music ~~~~

Can’t tell if it’s there yet. If you have AM subscription lemme know link. Search “The Endless Light of K Yamaguchi”

We’re pretty booked with interviews with Rolling StonePitchforkMedia, Variety, Fox News and Billboard but we will always make time for smaller independent media sources, podcasts, local newspapers and the CBC. Just email info@dirtypenny.com and put “Request interview with [bassist][drummer][lead guitar][keyboards/rhythm][singer]” in the subject line. Leave a number,, a good time window and we’ll call. Also feel free to share photos of your faces while you’re listening to the album. Tell us which song is your favorite. Buy JC Penny a home in Toronto and Dirty Penny will play your birthday for free.

Elite hackers got our album back and legendary genius asshole producer Brendan Bane didn’t seize it.

I’m so happy (and drunk)! Not sure U I’m able to write inteligibly..

This is turning ito a we-e-eird story. It starts with the laww firm Tobyy, Signey and Gannet seizing our record to months ago and it it looks like our producer Brendan Bane didn’t hire them. The day after this crappy news I oder a pizza and gush whole story to my excentric pizza guy. Well I got an email yesterday and it turnsd out the and it turns out that phone call two months ago was not just a conversation with a fun delusional pizzeria owner. I have an appl on my cell that records all my callsI’m glad I haven’t bothered to clear all the recordings since that phone call because it’s a phone call I will cherish my WHOOOLE LIFE. I dont wanna write nomore the story’s all din the vi3eo. Watch the video..

And here’s the original User23 video posted on Vimeo under the name “Bella Yamaguchi”.

I read somewhere that hacking si 10% computer work and 90% looking through someone’s garbag. maybe that’s why this took two months. Anyways, I’m drunk now. Signing off. Here’s our new album cver in thanks to the hackers that saved it all for us.

JUST WOW: Our producer sends lawyers to confiscate our upcoming new album “The Moon” because he doesn’t recall producing it.

“So..uh..wa..its..I..haaag” are just some of the words I said on the phone last night when it became clear that our producer legendary genius asshole, Brendan Bane, sent his lawyers to Lacquer Channel and our studio to confiscate all our music for our upcoming album because he “doesn’t recall producing it”. In short he has launched a legal battle against us because he believes he’s been accused of producing our album. Don’t believe me? Listen to this amazing terrifying phone call I had last evening with Mr. H. Almeda, a lawyer hired by our producer…

I lost my sense of reality after that conversation. Even now, very hungover, I’m able to think clearer. I’m guessing what happened is I should never have posted this Interview with legendary genius asshole producer Brendan Bane on making “The Moon”. We knew he was a little nuts because he’s a genius. We know he’s powerful. I heard he’s doing something with Kendrick Lamarr and Childish Gambino now and is also talking to Led Zeppelin about a new album ( I don’t think Jimi Page has got it in him anymore but the album WILL make a billion dollars ). I guess some powerful people destroy and create the things and people around them as a show of power to make more power? I should never have called him. If you ever see a powerful person run away. You don’t want to get in their view and give them an idea on how you can be used.

God, I’m depressed. I spent a lot of time on those songs. I write all my songs essentially when god tells me to. I never sit down and write a song because it’s on my calendar. I have a box. There are 20 year old napkins in it with songs that came to me at maybe a McDonald’s. When I die most of my box will be unsung because god sends me a lot of songs. So when I get the chance to record them I go a little nuts on the singing. I obsess over it. I practice. I build characters in my voice. I lose sleep at night.  When I get that magic take in the studio and it’s done I’m always a little sad. It’s like watching your child move out.

I don’t see how Brendan Bane would give us back our album ever. It’s just not what happens when giants swing their swords. They don’t look back and are like “oh, sorry about that, lemme get that for you, here’s your arm.” So I’ve decided I’m going to release the lyrics at the very least. Ironically, I co-wrote this one with Brendan Bane and our drummer Justin Cathcart AKA Snowflace AKA Your Business Consultant. It was a great day in the studio. We were on the porch out back, smoking, the sun was warm, laughing our asses off with the lines. I think it’s the first time I ever let others into my songwriting.

I wasn’t thinking clearly through the booze and the tears last night. I just started transcribing the first song that came to my head, “Day is Night”. Sorry for the false promises of a new album at the last show. This and a few more scraps of paper is all we got.

If some words are illegible it’s because of the tears falling on the paper.

Interview with legendary genius asshole producer Brendan Bane on making “The Moon”

Brendan Bane, legendary asshole producer
Brendan Bane, legendary asshole producer

In the summer of 2016 we got Brendan Bane to take a break from producing gold records for Eminem and Peaches and do our 4th record “The Moon” (dropping Oct 2018).  There’s not a wasted moment on this 40 minute album. Over the two weeks it took to record “The Moon”, we grew to understand what a world class producer is: they get the best out of you when they say ‘go’ (at least one out of every three times).

It’s also other things. He knew how to play all our instruments. He corrected the sound engineer.  He quickly decided on a vision for every song and in the end every song came out alive. Disagreements consisted of one or more of us disagreeing with him, him thinking it over for a moment and then either granting or dismissing our requests. We devolved into obedient children around our caring powerful mommy. He got everything useless out of each of our ways so we could do one thing perfectly. He was making us make a great Dirty Penny record. We needed him but he was an expensive asshole. Listen to the interview:

We will be playing a release show in early October. Like our FB Page for updates.

"The Moon" album cover
“The Moon” dropping Oct 2018

 

Our new drummer, Justin Cathcart

“Justin Cathcart Your Business Consultant” is the new Dirty Penny drummer because once upon a time John Lennon said “yes” to a question and Playboy made it their feature article. Because Tool just spent 8 years in court and that’s why there’s been no new Tool album in 8 years. Captain Beefheart’s “Trout Mask Replica” was a gift from Frank Zappa. “I never said I was a victim of circumstance,” said Billy Joel in “My Life” and so Justin has spent thousands of hours drumming and now has joined our quirky Toronto cult band. Justin is a web marketing multimedia developer film producer analyst everything guy, not a victim.

We auditioned two other drummers. Julia Cleveland is the house drummer at The Rex and Leanne Davies who is a brilliant painter and drummer. We chose Justin. Are we racist? Sexist? Is Salman Rushdie still alive? Probably. One of us has recently been doing work for the Freemasons, not joking. He likes them. Their principles are optimistic and their symbols are elegant, but it’s boys only. Is that wrong? Is a boys only club dedicated to fighting evil wrong? Why not join the Rotary which is co-ed? Their Four Way Test is basically everything awesome about The Bible in 0.001% of the blah, blah. Here’s a quick interview with Justin and you decide.

Q1. If this was an interview for Rolling Stone magazine and the interviewer had just asked the dumbest cliche question in a series of dumb questions and you took the opportunity to say what you really think what would that be?

Ok first off asshole, thanks for taking the time to interview me. Second, you seem like a really nice man or woman but when it comes to choosing questions and it comes to YOU choosing them, a good questions chooser you are not. (Drop the mic. Interviewer crushed.)

Q2. If you were a billionaire with no responsibilities what would you be doing right now?

I admire the efforts Bill and Melinda Gates so I’d probably be a full on rapist. NO, NO, NO! You’re writing that down wrong! A philanthropist, a phil-an-thro-pist! Geez.

Q3. What’s your favourite comfort food?

Comfort pie. One part chopped couch, two parts blanket and a pinch of trashy tv.

Q4. What’s wrong with you?

I play drums for no money. It’s a disease. The first step is admitting you have a problem.

Q5. If you had a time machine, when and where in the past would you go and what are your thoughts on the physics of time travel?
Can I only go into the past? I’d want to go to the future. Let’s say 40 years so I’m not totally lost. Justin Bieber would hosting the 127th Oscars and I could be like, “I know him! He was a pop music singing douchebag in my day.”
 

I’m a tech-enthusiast so I’d want to see the true beginnings of AI. I’m excited, fascinated and terrified by that. I think we’re about 30 years away from the lines beginning to blur between man and machine. And my thoughts on time travel? It’s probably possible in some technical way like we could maybe send a dozen electrons into the future by half a second. But I don’t think it’ll ever be possible for us human folk.

Q6. If your doctor just told you, you have 6 months to live what would you say to her?

That’s amazing! Normally I live each day like it’s my last. What a gift, Doc. What a gift.

Q7. How big are you?

I just showed you like five minutes ago in the bathroom. What? Now you want to see it again? You know already. Small. Embarrassingly small!

Q8. Where’s Osama Bin Laden?
Answer A: Let’s plan a night to watch Zero Dark Thirty.

Answer B: Osama Bin Bama-Care. I don’t really know what that means but it feels right.

Q9. If you could change society in one way what would it be?

Equal pay for women. And making this question #1.

Q10. Anything you wanna add?
I can only hope to be half the drummer that Scott was. I had the honour of seeing him play with Dirty Penny once and I was blown away! Meeting him briefly after the show, I could tell that he had a great personality and a kind heart. I’ll try to do you proud Scott. Rest in peace.

Our drummer and friend, Scott “Candy” Fletcher, has passed away

Scott "Candy" Fletcher, drums, chair, sobriety
Scott “Candy” Fletcher, drums, chair, sobriety

There was nothing mean about Scott “Candy” Fletcher. In the 8 years he has been Dirty Penny’s drummer, not one of us can say he has ever said a mean thing about anyone in or outside the room he was in. He was a shit-hard drummer. Our fans called him “The Machine”. He was the best musician in our group.

Scott passed away last night at Toronto East General Hospital.

Rest in Peace, drummer

The only 4 Queen Elizabeth II Christmas address videos on the internet 1957, 1984, 1997 and 2013 – The Horseshoe Tavern show

JC Penny as "The Emperor of Canada", Dirty Penny at the Horseshoe Tavern, Feb 5th 2014
JC Penny as “The Emperor of Canada”, Dirty Penny at the Horseshoe Tavern, Feb 5th 2014

That was a helluva show. Dirty Penny has been playing for 13 years. We’re really good at our sound now.

Hi, I’m JC Penny, the singer.

So for every show I like to do a character, a little bit of theatre for the eyes. Other bands have criticized us for this. They say “If you were a real band you wouldn’t need that crap.” And we say “Your show sucked.”

For this show I chose ‘The Emperor of Canada’. I wanted to find a voice for him so I researched the past christmas addresses of Queen Elizabeth II. I’ve always been a fan of her style. Her speeches are concise but her choice of words are trully those of an aristocrat. For instance, she would never say the word “sex”, she would say “the removal of each other’s clothing”.

So I went hunting for past Christmas addresses videos and discovered THERE ARE ONLY 4! I might suck at internet research but I spent 45 minutes looking and found only these.

1957 – Sandringham House in Norfolk – The first televised Christmas Broadcast or ‘Queen’s Speech’. (she was cute, I would’ve totally hit on her at a club if I was in my twenties)

1984 – From Windsor Castle – The broadcast also includes the newly born Prince Harry with his brother and parents, along with film of the Royal Family and the Spencers interacting with each other on the day of Harry’s christening. (I’d hit on her at a club now)

1997 – from Buckingham Palace – She starts this one by addressing Princess’s Diana death. It’s also her 50th wedding anniversary to Prince Phillip. (I would talk to her at a club for hours or hit on her with enough liquor)

2013 – She starts this one with “I once knew someone who spent a year in plaster cast. He read a lot and thought a lot and felt miserable.” (I would talk to her at a club for hours)

The Rejected Album Cover for “Sorry Mom”

Hi, it’s the lead singer, JC Penny. How’s it going?

I made this album cover. It came to me years ago when I started writing the songs for our new record (drops Sep 21, 2013) and trying to put myself in the shoes of a mother of a fallen soldier.

I think it’s likely that every soldier’s mother in Canada has that standard military portrait of their son or daughter that is taken after they finish basic training. It sits beside a lamp or hangs on a wall.

Portrait of the late Cpl. Stuart Langridge with parents
Portrait of the late Cpl. Stuart Langridge with parents. Click to go to the National Post article about this young man’s last days.

I reasoned that this portrait becomes terrible and undeniable in the homes of the mothers of fallen soldiers. The album is dedicated to these devastated women and so the cover is a snapshot of the world from their eyes. They see their baby’s faces in that portrait, not young men and women.

The rest of the band says the cover is “creepy”. I see that. It’s weird to see a baby head on a full grown body. Plus, I think they feel like they’re gonna be robbed of that moment when they get to hand their new record to their friends and family. A record with this cover will not be seen by our ageing parents or preteen kids. I tried arguing from this point of view. I said that our music for this record isn’t happy anyway. It’s going to appeal to educated rockers with dark sensibilities. Maybe this is the record that skips our families. I didn’t get far with that one.

Most of the band didn’t outright reject it. They expressed their discomfort but let the primadonna (me) have the final say. On the other hand, it could be that they talked about it while I was in the bathroom and decided to get Raja “Lovely Louie” Khanna, lead guitar, to persuade me to drop it. He did over drinks one night. I could have pulled the artist visionary card and said “You guys don’t see the impact of this cover in the long term,” or the primadonna card “No. This conversation is over. The cover stays,” but I already pulled that card recently on something else so..

The next interesting thing that’s happened is that the venue for our CD release show at The Junction Music Fest rejected this poster on which I used the baby soldier cover image:

SMRTdigipak_template_0.5mmlower_11by17_TEMPLATEThis venue bills itself as equal part art gallery and pub. Now, I’d expect this reaction if it was a picture of Jesus doggie-styling a child-prostitute with a needle in his arm. However there’s nothing purile about this image and an art gallery still rejected it. When I told the story about the venue to my friend who has been a lead singer for 20 years and has produced many albums he said “wow, you got a good album cover.”

I’m starting to think it’s not just that my cover is a bit icky to look at. I think I might have made an image that is too icky to talk about. And I did it without cocks or boobs or intravenous needles. Of course, If we were The Arcade Fire the cover would’ve been lauded as an edgy political piece, compelling and damning. Oh, Canada.

When Sasha Baron Cohen was interviewed last year by Strombolopoulos in his The Dictator character he was asked “So, Dictator, how do you like Canada?” to which he replied “I like it very much. Your people are like my people: quiet.” Unfortunately, I find it hard to argue with this silly man’s point.

“Sorry Mom” to be released September 21st 2013 for sure

Dirty Penny has had a terrible ride making this record. 3 producers in 4 years, many depressions, some fights that were not about the record but clearly about the record, over-budget, despondency, murder (of insects), the bassist is pissed off because he’s been in the band for 4 years and he’s still not on an album.

It’s not anything like our other albums.  It’s a big grim political rock record for and about the mothers of fallen soldiers.  It’s not very long though.  It just reaches the 30 minute mark on album length.  Does this mean it’s an EP?

So this is good. We’re playing at Axis Gallery and Grill on September 21st, two months from now. We’ll be playing the whole night, all 3 albums back to back, and releasing our third.

For more comedy about the making of our third record see our Facebook page.